When I’m happy, as in…signing along to the radio, stress free, relaxed, smiling at the sunrise (even while smelling manure), greeting my kids with smiles, making my husband coffee, dancing while getting around, happy to go to bed early… that kind of happy, it’s pretty great. Finding joy in most any situation. Staying optimistic when it’s easiest to be pessimistic. Appreciating life rather than finding flaws about something, anything really to complain about. This kind of happy was once a norm for me, at least I thought it was. But recently, as I’ve actually been feeling this kind of happy I’ve realized I’m not sure when, if ever I’ve been this happy or really felt it like this.
I have once been told I live in a bubble. I recall as a child being called smiley, sunshine, and able to spring out of bed bouncing with joy and energy. I have generally been a happy go lucky, enthusiastic, optimistic, cheery person. Somewhere along the way, I’m not even exactly sure when, but that went away. Even in its absence I can put on a really good show, wear a smile, laugh and have a good time. And that is not fake, but it’s a temporary, situational happy, not the true happy that I described above. But over time that situational happy slowly became a norm. But, I thought I was truly happy. Feeling this happiness now I look back and realize in between those moments I was short, easily agitated, annoyed by little things, had little patience and felt anxiety over many things. That became my normal.
Today, in having a long, heart felt, always inspiring conversation with a very close friend I talked about my journey of reflection and being ready to get back to being easy going. It was a moment of laughter on both our parts as easy going is not really a word people would use to describe me these past few years, even though at my core it’s who I have been and strive to be.
I had said that I was tired of life being so much work, that it shouldn’t have to be so much work and the changes I have made are steps to eliminate some of that work. And then I wonder if it is a fantasy for life to be less work, maybe life being a lot of work is just adulting, maybe it’s a fact of life, maybe things are not meant to be easy. If that is true it is not something I am willing to accept. Yes, we may have hard times, but I believe in finding the growth that comes from hard times. I believe in finding meaning and a positive in the negative because let’s face it, the alternative is dwelling on defeat, negativity, disappointment, maybe hard changes, however we look at it. And obsessing over the negative it is not going to make things better.
If life turns out to be constant hard work, even with all of these changes I’ve made then so be it. If this happiness turns out to be temporary then I suppose I will accept that, but I will at least know with all of the hard work there will be times of true happiness.