I have been so grateful lately. Thinking about my husband, specifically. The journey we have had, things we have overcome, what we have learned, how we have grown. What that means basically is that we learned together how to have a healthy, loving, appreciative, successful marriage, friendship, partnership.
At one point, thanks to a conference, I looked at my relationship and imagined what it would look like if it was exactly what I would want it to be, kind of like a fairy tale I suppose. Then I was asked, are my actions and words fostering that picture? No, they were not. Maybe sometimes, but not enough. That was a changing point in my life.
I see on Facebook all the time articles of what marriage really is, fights, bad days, struggles, people proud to degrade themselves or their partners. I cringe anytime I see people proud to be a “bitch” or thankful their partner “puts up with them,” when they degrade their partner on social media. These are articles and posts that make me sad; maybe that is what many marriages are, maybe that’s “common,” but it’s not healthy. And, it does not have to be that way….it is a choice.
I am not one who likes to give advice when it’s not wanted or tell others “just do…” because productive communication does not really work that way and some things are easier said than done. People value somebody to just listen and not offer advice. Which I am more than happy to often do. At the same time biting my tongue from offering unwanted advice can be very hard when I see people I love so sad, unhappy, struggling, drowning, surviving in relationships. Day to day getting by for so many reasons, kids, vows, religious beliefs, finances, stability, dedicated years put into a relationship that they don’t want to walk away from. And I get it, I really do; we have had struggles, downs, ups, uncertainty, times we struggled to like each other. But the day I listened to that speaker though it hit and I decided I don’t just want to love my husband and be happy some of the time. I wanted a healthy marriage, to be happy to be with him all of the time, all day, mutual respect, to laugh, be mesmerized, feel butterflies, spend time together (not only in front of the tv or just being in the same house), quality time. I wanted to always love and like my husband.
From that day on every interaction was a conscious effort, conscious awareness of what I said to him, how I said it, what actions I showed him. Were my actions and words kind, loving, respectful, did I show him appreciation and that I value him? If I thought about what I wanted my marriage to look like was I acting in ways that would make that possible? Each day was about the present and future going forward, not months or years ago. I had to let it all go, start over and only hold on to the good. Not holding on to things that happened in the past that harbor grudges, resentment or hostility. If something upset me I kept it about that moment, not all of the past things that often get brought up in arguments, no more revenge. I made him coffee each morning, not because I felt I had to, but I wanted to start the day doing something nice for him. I thanked him for helping with the dishes after dinner; and I remember that first day so clearly because he told me I didn’t need to thank him for something he should be doing anyway. I said “yes I do, because I appreciate you.” These little gestures make an amazing difference, these are not things that were natural for us, I dont remember most adults/relationships I watched as a kid looking like this. Maybe I only saw it on tv shows that seemed so fake to me. The posts on Facebook that portray “real” marriages to be not so great in my opinion, was more normal to me. People happy to have time “away” from their spouses, fights, sleeping on the couch, etc.; that was normal. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have disagreements, but we don’t really have fights anymore, we are happy to have time to do our own thing, but not to “get away” from each other. We communicate our feelings, talk to each other, respect each other, take an effort to share in each others interests…. we like each other and have gotten to get to know each other all over again.
Is this easy?
No, it is a lot of work, and it may be harder for some than others, maybe it won’t work for others. I know for me making the decision to be happy and go forward is what I needed. If people can’t forget things from the past, maybe the relationship will never be what I have. I also believe all people deserve to be happy and if that means ending a relationship, then maybe that is what that means. I know that may go against many peoples beliefs, it’s not my ideal either. Of course this also takes effort on both people, my husband and I have both learned a lot, we are both growing, always putting full effort into our marriage. But for me it was my choice to change my actions and thoughts, I couldn’t expect anything in return, what I did was for me. Over time I saw a difference, I received back what I had put in, we both smiled more, spent more time together and grew to appreciate each other and love each other more than I could imagine.