It has been some time since I have posted. In that time we have experienced lots of change, Ben’s new job, moving, remodeling, new schools, new doctors and now my new job. Changes also take place in the form of relationships, dynamics, beliefs, daily routine, etc.
Those smaller, more subtle changes can make just as big of impact as large life decisions like moving and starting new jobs. There have been some changes in this past year that I will never be able to undo, wish away, or forget about. They are changes that have changed my relationships, beliefs, motivations. They have inspired, pushed and forced me out of my comfort zone into new adventures; which from where I am at now is definitely a good thing I suppose. It has led me to new possibilities for myself and my family. With accepting a new position I have been asked quite a few time why I am leaving, why I am doing something different?
To answer this was a year long exploration for me, maybe even more. Along my journey to becoming healthier, happier, confident, I discovered areas of my life that were not healthy. My emotional and mental health, the part of me that has always made me excited to be pregnant, give birth, get up in the middle of the night and clean up after my kids and have energy to burn. I spend my days teaching others how to be healthy, how to cope in healthy ways and what healthy communication and relationships look like. I have more recently been thinking if our lives are healthy, balanced and we have control over them, we should not need to cope so much, I should not have to be so aware of how I am taking care of myself, how I am keeping myself from burn out. Thinking about that constantly in itself adds more stress to my day, that I in return then need to cope with. At what point does this cycle end? This is what has validated my job search.
I recently attended a training that focused on self care to keep from burn out, which at one point it was said “if you’re doing all of those things (self-care) and still drained at the end of the day, maybe this job is not for you.” I had already decided that for myself, but hearing it professionally was validating. I realized while helping others is very important, rewarding work, I was no longer willing to do it at my own expense, my children’s expense, my husbands expense. My stress, emotional drain, lack of energy, and constant need to cope could not be the focus of my life anymore. I began to see my career as a piece of my life that provided me with the means to experience the life I want and to live day to day how I want to, by who I am and by my interests. I want to go to work and enjoy it and be able to come home and have energy to enjoy life.
Overall, for the better part of my life, I have not experienced feeling blue, depressed or exhausted aside from the past few years where I was emotionally drained each day before going home. Self care I think kept me going, but I cannot imagine where I would have been over those years without being such a healthy person. But, I am ready for something new, to use my mind in a different way and to look at possibilities for myself and my family.
Some changes in my life this past year brought emotions I couldn’t imagine, that I didn’t expect, caused me pain, changed my perspective, beliefs, attitude and values. Yet, as I sit here, with a new view out of my window, new surroundings, new possibilities, I wonder if/when I would have had more courage to make the positive changes happen that I have. Maybe I would still be here without those unexpected, perhaps negative changes, maybe negative is not a good word to use. Maybe just changes/differences is really all it is. But, maybe we still would have moved, I suppose that can never be determined. Either way, changes affect us, mold us, maybe just imprint or make a little dent, scar or beauty mark, maybe they make us blossom, flourish, change color, grow, change shape or looks. Either way, it is up to us to determine what to do with change, sit with it in misery, ignore it, accept it, embrace it.
It has taken some time for me, but I am starting to feel more at peace. Their will still be many moments when things hit me, when I remember what happened, that some things will never be what they were, but for now, in this moment, I feel happy, blessed, rejuvenated and ready for my new adventure. For this moment changes in my life are good and their affects will continue to be good.