This week I started my new job. Naturally, that brings excitement, in the past nerves, but this time I didn’t really feel that, it brings new energy and motivation, changes, eagerness and determination to succeed. I experienced a whole variety of emotions. The first few days are of course, well first days. You don’t know anybody, awkwardly walk around because it’s not yet “my space,” no clue what is going on really, where things are, what is expected. This for me is not comfortable, I like control… and I like to really know what I’m doing, feel assertive, confident and not only meet, but exceed expectations. In this process, for me, the only way I can describe it is that sometimes my brain hurts, or I feel happy inside, but I am focused and processing so I can come off as unhappy or blah… So I’m told…. I did not realize this as much until my husband pointed it out to me. He said, you are a pretty negative person, it seems like you look for the bad in things. Once again, I am reminded how I have become somebody I don’t want to be and have not always been. I do not dislike my new job, nor have I complained about it, but when I am asked about it I state facts which are well facts. Which does not show how much I am loving my new job. But his comment/observation, caused me to look at myself and determine why I was presenting in one way and feeling another.
This is where all of my feelings listed above come into play, a new job is mixed emotions. I was happy to take this insight and check myself to be sure I am displaying how I am feeling.
At the same time, I think it can be hard for people to accept that we as human beings can have multiple feelings about the same thing. We can be happy and sad at the same time, we can be excited and still worry and be focused and not jumping for joy. We can also protect ourselves from disappointment by putting up a little bit of a wall to try to normalize what is going on, to not allow feelings of impulsivity to take over our lives and to gradually ease our way into new situations. Feelings of one extreme or another, non stop can be pretty exhausting.
Another part of me knows that over the years I have become more negative than positive. I believe I have posted about that before, it is a daily struggle, so it seems. I do feel that I am getting much better with it; at the same time I work hard not to dwell on that fact that I have negative thoughts. Stressing too much over my thoughts and changing them is also exhausting.
So what do I do about it..
I am continuing to focus on living in the present, I am willing to accept insight about myself from others, because their feelings and perceptions, no matter what I believe, are completely valid to them. I value insight from others, more from the people I care about maybe than strangers, but it helps me to be a better person I hope. I wonder how much other people are willing to accept or value insight from others. I feel that chances are if other people are seeing something that you don’t, it is worth taking a look at why. Maybe it’s them, but maybe, we can learn and grow.